If it was raining Palaces I'd get hit by the dunny door

ISBN-10: 1905411081 | ISBN-13: 978-1905411085 | Pitch Publishing | Buy Now

I’ve just finished a new book by Nigel Henderson titled “If it was raining palaces I’d get hit by the dunny door”. Basically, for the uninitiated among you, it simply means he’s always unlucky or unfortunate despite things going well around him (so that’s not the cricket then!). It’s a classic title to be fair and one that makes you immediately aware that the book has something to do with Australia! The huge Adelaide scoreboard on the front jacket gives away the cricketing theme.

The book is a humorous account of Henderson’s trip with his partner Sue to Australia to watch England beat the Aussies in their backyard – we all know what happened but this didn’t stop him from making the £10,000 trip to cheer on his lads! In fact as history now tells us, England were royally pummelled into the ground and beaten 5 – 0, not the ideal result for an author who has given up his job with The Times to make the trip. Buy Now

“I had spent more than £5,000 of my own money, £5,000 of Sue's and slept in 26 separate beds that I shared with her and, quite often, a species of bug that left us both looking like refugees from a smallpox outbreak”

Following the 2006/7 whitewash, and, compared to the aftermath of the 2005 series win, few books have surfaced covering the antics of the touring side and their quest to retain the urn this year. You will always find the serious coverage from the talented Gideon Haigh or David Frith but seldom do you come across a comical look through fans eyes.  

The humour is subtle throughout, not an in your face style you’d be sick of by the time you get to the second Test in Adelaide! The book covers the lead up to the tour including the initial thrashing courtesy of the Prime Minister’s XI, whether England would go with Panesar or Giles and should Geraint Jones be the number one keeper for England.

Throughout the journey Henderson stays in youth hostels, some good, some bad and some that should never be open to the public! He stays next door to a pub that closes at 8:20pm every night – without fail and in the same city somehow hones in on the only restaurant that closes at 8:30! One thing he can be assured of during his four month stay in Australia is the 100% certainty that he could always find a chicken parmigiana feed somewhere!

One of the funniest moments for me came when a desperate Henderson travels to Perth for the third Test without a ticket for the opening salvos of what promised to be a titanic battle.

“The hunt for the elusive bounty began to take on the essence of a John Le Carre spy novel as I was mysteriously advised to contact the Perth tourist information office, hidden behind the city's main post office and which I quickly suspected of being a front for the Western Australia intelligence services”

“One woman manning the desk seemed to be in the know. Taking me aside and tapping the side of her nose to suggest it was seriously classified information.” It turned out that it hadn't been classified information for as Henderson turned the corner there were at least 50 people waiting in line for the allusive tickets.!

Written in a flowing style, the book is incredibly easy to read and navigate. Part one as I have mentioned deals with the warm ups and the meat of the book, or should that be “the chicken parmigiana” of the book looks at the five Test matches. The one-dayers, arguably the most productive period for the England fans is covered in the final section, part three.

Henderson closes the novel with the fifth point of a master plan posted on the Times blog following the Adelaide defeat.

“5. Be reborn as an Australian and bask in the sunshine and glory of being a member of the world's number one sporting nations”. It was an option but I thought, on reflection, I'd rather stay a whingeing Pom” !

Wonderful entertaining book that will keep you amused from cover to cover. Recommended. Buy Now

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